Patient Gives Birth to Bouncing Baby Tumor Named Rex
FOL #6 – 12/21/99
Dear F.O.L.,
After three and a half months of being poked, prodded, x-rayed, scanned, irradiated and poisoned, Lois gave birth to a bouncing baby tumor (I always wanted a little brother.) Rex, as she calls it (Tyrannosaur, not Oedipus), was born on December 1st at around 1:15 pm. Labor was blissfully short, and both mother and tumor are fine. Of course, Lois was not without her post-operative complaints: “Four hours of surgery and you couldn’t make time for a little liposuction? What kind of a plastic surgeon are you?”
The doctors remain perpetually vague about her prognosis. Everything with them is good-news/bad-news. The good news is the tumor came out cleanly, but the bad news is it was the size of New Jersey. Translation: they don’t have a clue (and yet we continue to pay them). Nevertheless, we are feeling optimistic. The post-operative biopsy came back with “clean margins” (Mom never did like to color outside the lines), meaning that as of now she is tumor-free.
Lois will get a break from the treatment for the rest of the year while she receives physical therapy. Of course, she can’t actually move her leg, so she and her nurse sit on the couch and eat popcorn while they watch “Buns of Steel” on video. Not to worry, though. The doctors promise that she’ll be ready to audition for the Rockettes by mid-summer. God help us.
Come January Lois returns to the hospital for the first of three more fun-filled rounds of chemotherapy. Meanwhile she’s hobbling around with her walker and decorating her home for the holidays. In fact, she’s so caught up in the holiday spirit that we’ve written her a special Christmas carol:
“The Twelve Weeks of Cancer”
In the twelve weeks of cancer, my tumor gave to me…
Twelve bags a dripping
Eleven pills a popping
Ten rads a zapping
Nine doctors billing
Eight nurses poking
Seven hats a hanging
Six jellos jiggling
Five extra pounds!
Four E.K.G.’s
Three CAT scans
Two M.R.I.’s
And a hole where my tumor used to be!
Thanks to all of you for your prayers and support these past few months. I can’t tell you how much it has meant to our family to know that all of you are thinking of us. We wish you all a very peaceful and happy holiday season. We’ll catch up after the first Big Drip of the new Millennium.
Brian
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